feeling worse today

very anxious, very unsure of myself. maybe i need to start recruiting more people? i haven't had too many interested.

jim says there's a party soon. i'm going as his guest, but not if i still feel like this.

Butterfly pin?

Woke up with a smile on my face, but also wearing a butterfly pin? Wonder why that happened. I have to go talk to Jim today about my duties as an initiate.

i met with men, wearing masks. jim was the only one not in a mask.

one man asked if i was ready to cast aside my destructive personalities, and bring in new, useful ones.
said i was.
was given a pill.
asked what it was.
was told it is called a Chariot. it is my vehicle to a better life.
took it.

they then turned to jim and said something about hangman.

then they left.
jim drove me home.
sleep now.

Merveilleux

I officially join Merveilleux tonight! At midnight I have to meet them in Detroit at midnight. I'll let you know what goes down later. I had to fast for 2 days, so this better be worth it.

Feeling great again!

Jim started talking about his past. I've gone to see him 2 time a week for a while, and it's helping. I feel NORMAL. I told him how I felt like I was made of glass, and that I was breaking to pieces.

He said something like, when he felt that way, he visualized himself breaking to pieces, but instead of it being glass it was a mirror. He looked into each piece and saw a different part of him, and he embraced them.

I didn't even know he used to deal with the same things i do. good to know I am not alone! He said that, since he started helping people, he started feeling better for longer. Said I need to get involved in something.

Since my parents died, I never really had any reason to do anything. They left enough money that I can just kind of sit around and do nothing. But maybe if I started helping out this group, life would be better?

I'm scared, but I'm considering it.